I Have a Problem

I compulsively search for new games on the internet.

There I've said it. I have a problem, a dumb dumb problem. I avoid sleeping and interacting with other humans to search for games on the internet. Specifically role playing games. The terrible thing is I know I won't find what I'm looking for. It's about the search not the results. Recently, I found a community based around a Japanese application to make Kings Field style 3D first person games. I downloaded the game, and played it for maybe ten minutes before becoming frustrated with the controls and quitting. I then spent twice that amount of time digging into and searching for information on the community around this application. It was fascinating, the idea that people can obsess and specialize so particularly.

But that's the interesting part, the result was uninteresting and ultimately forgettable, I tell myself I'll get back to it like I tell myself I'll get a gym membership and work out (HAHAHA). The fun is the chase, the hunting. It's like some kind of mismatched hunter instinct. I want the game, but getting it is boring. The fun is finding it, retrieving it, getting it to work. Once that's done I'm through with it.

Let me reiterate; I spend hours searching for a game and when I find it, I discard it. I'm looking for something obviously, but what I'm looking for is the next thing, not the thing I'm finding. The hunt is the fun. It's so male psychosis, not being satisfied with what you have and always looking for what's next. I've crossed terrible planes to get what I want. I've downloaded mystery files that turn out to not be running games but viruses meant to end the search. I've been to file dump style sites that have broken search functions making me dig through page after page of files looking for tell tale warning signs. I've been to websites so fragile that clicking through pages too fast makes them collapse. I've been to torrent sites, slogging through pages. I've been so deep into google results that I lose sight of what I was even looking for.

My name is Harley, and I Have a Problem.